I opened my bible on Sunday, and this memory is what came out…

All I had was a conference call and I could head back home to go to the hospital. I mean, it was a conference call, I had to be in my office for that, of course…right?

I was leaving the subdivision, and slid. I almost hit the pole. Wow, that was scary. OK, I drive, listen to my music and think about how I can’t miss the conference call.

We were working on integration of HRIS for an upcoming acquisition. I was leading it. I had to be in the office for that conference call. I had high self responsibility, so of course I would go in and let the office know I was working diligently on this project.

Mom stayed with us, she had been staying with us for a few days, actually. She agreed to take T to pre-school since it was North and she was headed that way. I was driving South for that conference call I had to be in the office for.

My conference call was at 9a. I was gonna be there for it snow or not!

I walked through the building up to my office when I got a call asking for my mom. “Why would you want my mom when this is my cell phone, I thought?” I ask if everything was OK, and they wouldn’t say. They needed my mother. All the while, I needed to make my conference call.

I get into my office with lots of time to spare and prepare. But, instead of that conference call, I got another call.

It was my mom…

“Andrea, he’s gone. He’s gone, Andrea!”

Sobs, tears, pain on the other end of the line.

My head shook, the tears came flooding out, I couldn’t breathe. “Noooooooooooooo!”

My dad had passed and I was worried about a stupid call.

I panic, run into the copy room and break down freaking out about how I would get to the hospital. It was like I didn’t know where I was. The CEO was in there, and I felt like an idiot for sobbing like a little girl in front of the leader of our company. But, in reality, I was a little girl who just lost her daddy.

He immediately said “Someone will take you to the hospital, Andrea. You are not driving there yourself.” And, immediately someone stepped up – no questions asked. I remember getting to the elevator lobby and calling my husband. Then my best friend. I woke her up since she had just gotten to sleep from working the night before. I remember the people and the places that where I was present that day and knowing that those people are who God wanted me to be with oddly enough.

I call my mom back and beg her to tell them not to remove him from his room. I needed to see him there. I wanted to say my own goodbye.

I get to the hospital and walked directly back to the ICU, I didn’t even buzz. As soon as they saw me, they didn’t say a word. They knew.

There was my dad.

Dad as I knew him was gone.

His spirit, it was no longer here on this Earth.

My mom sitting there beside him just losing her soul mate. I was crushed for her. It tore me up inside to know that she would never have him again to share life with.

But, selfishly I knew I lost my dad and my boys lost their grandpa, one who was his namesake.

I have never embraced a dead body before. That seems too morbid just saying it. But, it was oddly comforting. I embraced my dad one last time. His cold, lifeless body who once would wrap his arms around me and our boys. I remember the way his 5 o’clock shadow face would prick my cheek when I gave him a kiss. And, his big *buddha belly* that we joked was the only thing he owned.

That was all gone. He was gone.

I wept.

++++++++++++++++++

I praise God for allowing a man who had denied him for 60+ years to accept him in the final week before he would eventually meet Him. I praise God for healing my heart for missing the last minutes with my dad. I praise God for helping me retain vivid details I could document for my kids so that they would know their grandfather who loved and adored him. And, while Dad never met Andon, I know he adores him from a mansion in Heaven.

I never truly embraced the name, Heavenly Father, for God until I lost my earthly Father.

Thursday, February 10, 2005, started like a day just like any other. My focus was on a call, something that was so irrelevant in the grand scheme of the day’s events. Sadly, it ended a day that took away a piece of who I was.

I will always praise God for never giving up on my dad, for giving me the courage to ask him the last few days of his life if he wanted to live for Jesus. And, for keeping a place for me so I can hug both of my Father’s one day and never have to worry about missing the things of the world ever again.

The picture above was, I believe, my dad’s last written message. We kept a picture of our boys in the room hung in the ICU room. Dad was in and out of consciousness. But, there were a few times he was completely conscious. One was when he opened his crystal blue eyes and showed me his affirmation to my question – that he was living for Jesus. The other was when I shared that message above and offered him a pen to write back, which I believe is his final “I love you” to me.

Both are a gift that words can’t really express. One is a piece I have here to remind me of his love tucked in my Bible. The other is a gift that I will see him again in Eternity. That reminder is written in The Bible.

I have so many behaviors just like my father: loyalty, compassion, assertiveness, stubborness, private. They may seem like an odd coupling but they fit perfectly for those whom I call friends. Whenever I am suggested to be any of those things – good or bad – I think of my dad.

So many memories, I have from that day that still hurt all of these years later. Time does heal a lot, but only if you let it. I, or we (my husband and I), grew closer to God because of my father’s death. And, it was because of a Son’s death that we can feel the Holy Spirit during times of great sadness and pain. But, even then, you can only sense His Spirit if you let it.

It was in May 2008, that I first shared some of my pain here ^[1] on losing my dad. I am very private by nature with my emotions. That throws people off since I am pretty outgoing in general. But, I know that I heal each time I share about these memories from all those years ago. Sometimes I never realized I needed healing. If you have lost someone you loved, you know what I mean.

Life goes by so fast, and I do pray to draw closer to Him and be more aware of His Spirit. I continually seek to let it in too despite what else life also wants to throw my way. I try to use my trials for His Praise. Even if it means losing someone I loved or having a sick child ^[1]. By His wounds we will be healed…